Viola Jokes
#001 How is lightning like a violist's fingers?Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
为什么说闪电像中提琴手的手指呢？
--因为它们每次都落在不同的地方。
#002 How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
你的小提琴该怎么防盗呢？
--放在中提琴盒里。
#003 What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
The viola holds more beer.
You can tune the violin.
小提琴和中提琴到底有鼠魔区别呢？
--中提琴能多烧一会儿。
--中提琴能多装不少啤酒。
--小提琴有音准。
#004 We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
我们都知道中提琴比小提琴耐烧，可为鼠魔呢？
--通常中提琴在盒子里。
#005 How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with SOLO above it.
怎样让中提琴声部演奏跳弓呢？
--写一个全音符然后标上“独奏”就行啦。
#006 How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it SOLO.
怎样让一个中提琴手演奏极弱震音呢？
--标上“独奏”。
#007 What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
中提琴和棺材有神马区别？
--棺材把死人装里头。
#008 What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk.
有个中提琴手死了咋办？
--往后移一个谱台。
#009 What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
中提琴和蹦床有什么区别呢？
--跳到蹦床上你得先脱鞋。
#010 What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
中提琴和洋葱有什么区别呢？
--切中提琴你不会流眼泪。
#011 What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
小二度的定义是？
--俩中提琴齐奏。
#012 What's the definiton of PERFECT PITCH?
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
什么叫绝对音高？
把中提琴空心投进垃圾桶。（pitch有投掷/音高两个意思）
#013 Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
为什么中提琴手们要在房门外站好长时间呢？
--因为找不到调，也不知道啥时候进。（key: 钥匙/调）
#014 What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
女裁缝和中提琴手有什么区别呢？
--女裁缝会把皱边缝进去。【是说中提琴手音不稳？
#015 What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.
洗衣机和中提琴手么区别呢？
--洗衣机会振动。（vibrato: 振动/揉弦）
#016 Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
为什么好多人一下子就讨厌中提琴了呢？
--省事儿。
#017 How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
怎样才能发现中提琴走音了呢？
--弓在动。
#018 How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
卡农是怎样发明的？
--俩中提琴手在演奏同一个乐句。（卡农：作曲法，后一声部模仿前面的声部。）
#019 Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
为什么说拉中提琴和尿裤子一样？
--因为它们在不出声时给你温暖的赶脚。
#020 Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
为什么中提琴独奏和炸弹一样？
--等你听到的时候已经来不及了。
#021 Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
为什么中提琴独奏和早泄一样？
--你知道它要来了，你也拦不住。
#022 Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars? So they can park in HANDICAPPED parking places. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
为什么中提琴手要把琴盒放在仪表盘上呢？
--这样他们就能停到残疾人专用停车位了。
--要是有人以为他们是黑手党，还能挣点面子。
#023 Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
为什么中提琴手不玩躲猫猫？
--没人会去找他们。
#024 Why do violists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
为什么中提琴手演奏时都保持微笑呢？
--因为无知是福。
#025 Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
为什么中提琴手不该去登山呢？
--因为他们要是不见了，很长时间都不会有人注意到这事儿。
#026 What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
路上的死黄鼠狼和路上的一把破中提琴有什么区别？
--黄鼠狼前面会有刹车印。
#027 How do you get a violin to sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
怎样让小提琴听起来像中提琴？
--坐着别拉。
--在低音区拉一堆错音。
#028 If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions. Who cares?
如果你把一个中提琴手和一个女高音同时仍下悬崖，哪个先着地？（两个答案哦！）
--中提琴手。女高音半道儿要问路。
--关我鸟事。
#029 A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road, which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
一个指挥家和一个中提琴手站在路当中，你先碾哪个？为什么？
--指挥家。业务第一，娱乐第二。
#030 Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both screw up bowings (Boeings).
为什么说中提琴手像恐怖分子？
--他们都搞烂了波音。（bowing: 弓法）
#031 What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One
William Walton的中提琴协奏曲哪个录音最好？
--Music Minus One公司的。（该公司专出协奏曲伴奏带。）
#032 What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
中提琴和官司有什么共同点？
--盖上琴盒，案子结束，皆大欢喜。（case closed）
#033 What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.
中提琴音域多大？
--您踢多远，它音域就多大。（range: 音域/范围）
#034 What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.
飞毛腿导弹和中提琴手有什么共同点？
--又狠，又不准。
#035 Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.
为什么中提琴这么大呢？
--介都四幻觉。不是琴大，是拉琴的脑袋小。
#036 What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
锯子和中提琴有什么区别？
--实在没辙，您拿锯子也可以参加弦乐四重奏。
#037 What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.
音簇的定义是？
--一个中提琴声部拉C弦。（音簇：和弦之一种。由多个音以半音连续叠置而成。）
#038 Why do violists get antsy when they see the KAMA SUTRA?
All those positions!
为什么中提琴手爱看《爱经》？
--各种体位，哦不是，把位！
#039 If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
你在沙漠迷路了，你该指望啥？一个好中提琴手，一个烂中提琴手，还是一片绿洲？
--烂中提琴手。那倆都是幻觉。
#040 Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.
为什么你不该开着迷你车带着三把中提琴一头冲下悬崖呢？
--至少再塞一把嘛！
#041 How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
拧一个灯泡需要几个中提琴手？
--用不上。他们手太大。【按不准？
#042 Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
为什么人们看见一个拿着小提琴盒的人走进银行会吓得发抖？
--他们以为他拿着机枪。
#043 Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
为什么人们看见一个拿着中提琴盒的人走进银行会吓得发抖？
--他们觉得他要拿出琴来拉。
#044 What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
half a measure
a semi-tone
中提琴声部的第一排和最后一排谱台有什么区别？
--差半个小节。
--差半个音。
#045 Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
数码录音里为什么听不见中提琴？
--技术进步啦！杂音全没啦！
#046 Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
你听说有个中提琴手号称能拉32分音符吗？
--恩，全团都不信，他就拉了一个。
#047 Why is viola called BRATSCHE in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
为什么德语里中提琴叫“不拉车”？
--因为这听起来和你坐上去声音差不多。
#048 Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
Because he can't lean back in his chair.
为什么中提琴手演奏时背后不能放把刀？
--他没法靠椅背了。
#049 What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
中提琴手最忌妒哪件乐器？
--竖琴。尼玛全是空弦拨奏啊！！！
#050 What's another name for viola auditions?
Scratch lottery.
中提琴试奏又称？
--刮刮乐。（audition: 类似演员试角色）
#051 What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute? A prostitute knows more than two positions.
Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
中提琴手和妓女有什么区别？
--妓女知道的把位，哦不，体位多。
--妓女节奏感好。
#052 What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
Both are paid to fake climaxes.
中提琴手和妓女有什么共同点呢？
--拿钱装高潮。
#053 How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
Shoot 11 of them.
Shoot all of them.
Who the hell wants a dozen violists?
怎样让12个中提琴手拉一个音？
--毙掉十一个。
--全毙了。
--谁他妈要一打中提琴手啊！
#054 What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals.
纽约最新一波高发案件是什么？
--开车经过中提琴演奏会。（Drive-by: 飞车杀人，抢包一类的）
#055 How does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.
中提琴手的脑细胞怎么死的？
--寂寞死的。
#056 How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
一个中提琴手要是有俩脑细胞呢？
--怀孕了。
#057 Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.
中提琴手为什么脑子和豌豆一样大？
--酒喝多了撑的。
#058 How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's
做一炉巧克力豆曲奇需要多少中提琴手？
--十个。一个和面，九个剥M&M豆。
#059 What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.
披头士乐队和皇家爱乐中提琴声部有什么共同点？
1970年以后就再也没演到一块儿。（play together: 音准节奏神马的）
#060 What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy
最长的中提琴笑话是？
--《哈罗德在意大利》。（一首有中提琴独奏的交响曲）
#061 What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
Vegetable soup.
一堆中提琴手在浴缸里怎么说？
--蔬菜汤。【求笑点
#062 Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.
你听说过不跑调的中提琴手么？
--我也没听说过。
#063 What is the main requirement at the International Viola Competition?
Hold the viola from memory.
国际中提琴大赛的参赛要求？
--想象自己拿着琴。
#064 Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.
为什么中提琴手娶了手风琴家？
--他有上进心。（手风琴不走音）
#065 How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
小提琴曲子怎么改成中提琴作品？
--速度减半。
#066 Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
Because deep down they are all very nice people.
为什么中提琴手都要埋三尺深？
--因为他们心底里都是好人。（deep down: 深/心底里）
#067 How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
怎样防止中提琴手溺水？
--把你的脚从他脑袋上拿开。
#068 Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English.
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola?
First position, emergency, and defeat.)
这个笑话德语里不错，翻成英文差点意思：
中提琴的把位有哪三把？
开始！救命！完蛋啦！ ;P ;P ;P 蛮好看的:lol 等Violin Jokes。
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